I love these. They remind me of what we did with the Weakly, only much much better and much more subversive. If you’re not already listening to the Welcome to Night Vale podcasts, you’re missing out.
Leo: Need a penny, take a penny. Have a penny? Take another penny! Pennies are worthless, but go ahead and take them all. Build a great fortune only to have its great copper weight crush your lifeless pauper body.
Virgo: Don’t shoot the messenger, Virgo! It’s noisy, and will alert others of your crime. Lure the messenger inside. Make sure no one saw him come in. Choose something quieter than a gun. Perhaps suffocation, or an accidental fall. Really plan these things out. Stop being so trigger happy, Virgo!
Libra: Do you believe in ghosts? You don’t? Well, won’t you be surprised when you wake up in the middle of the night tonight! Scream loud enough so the neighbors can hear you.
Scorpio: You are respected by your peers. You are a great thinker and leader. You…wait, what is this? This is definitely not the right reading for a Scorpio, it must be a typo. I bet the stars meant to say: You should hear what they’re saying about you. Very funny things, Scorpio! They’re saying very funny things at your expense, you jerk! Yep, that’s definitely what the stars meant to say.
Sagittarius: The best revenge is living well. The second-best is tasteless slow-acting poison. Maybe it’s more of a tie. Either way, you got wronged, and you need to set things right, Sagittarius!
Capricorn: ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, which is better than to have never loved at all, but also somehow lost a love, thus creating a paradox. Paradoxes are bad, Capricorn. Be careful, or logic will destroy you.
Aquarius: Your boyfriend is trapped in an alternate desert dimension. It is difficult to say when he will return. Perhaps take up drinking while crying in a quiet room.
Wow! That’s a very specific and…painful horoscope. Thanks for nothing, stars!
Pieces: A train leaves a station traveling west at 40 miles per hour. Another train leaves a station traveling east at 60 miles per hour. These two trains left on different days, in different years, in different countries. How long until the passengers acknowledge their own impermanence?
Aries: I think they saw you, Aries. Hold still. They cannot see you if you do not move. Shhhhhh! Don’t move! Don’t move! Don’t– Nope, they saw you. So long, Aries!
Taurus: Someone misses you a lot, Taurus. And even though you have nothing but endless time trapped out in a nightmarish desert hellscape, you have a hard time making a phone call longer than ten minutes. Maybe call a bit more than you do, Taurus!
Yep, that’s just some astrological advice from the stars.
Gemini: You know those eight spiders a year you eat in your sleep? Well, they add up. They are all organizing a pretty dramatic escape. Very soon, Gemini! Very soon!
Cancer: “The ocean is vast,” you convince yourself, walking alone between the trees. “The sky is endless,” you mutter repeatedly, trying to finally lull yourself to sleep. “Matter can neither be created nor destroyed,” you contemplate, despite not understanding the first part of the statement. “What’s on the Food Network tonight?” you say aloud to a stranger you have known for years.
This has been today’s horoscopes.